a funny...

[blues2cruise]

Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles...
I'm not sure where the joke in that is!
Wrider

I lost half my marbles with the first concussion...then a few more with the second concussion.....after the third one, I was left with only a few marbles with which to work.....

[Mr. Invisible]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....

Gee, It must have been Grumpy.

[dr_bar]

PREGNANCY Q & A & more !!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


.

[blues2cruise]

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

You wish.

[Wrider]

Things Not To Say To Cops

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V. show Cops?



So Ummmm is it a bad thing I've said variations of 2 and 4???
Wrider

[dr_bar]

This could become a terrible addiction...


Time killer...

[poet]

Things Not To Say To Cops

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V. show Cops?

You bastrd! I almost spit pepsi on my keyboard.

[dr_bar]

Bad day for a Hallmark writer...

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you ,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together ,

I can't help but wonder...

What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold ,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

---------------------------------

I must admit , you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by , I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

#################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

****************************************

Happy Birthday , Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together ,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up ,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

==========================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side ,

it's really good pay

[dr_bar]

This is the best explanation I've heard. Not sure what it says about me to have to have a Forest Gump explanation to understand this mess…



Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: 'Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest'.

Quote of the day from a fund manager:
'This is worse than a divorce... I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..'

The bailout, a different perspective
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a mean house and selling booze?

[Deejay]

A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "Nah, we don't have any milk."

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "NO! This is a BAR! We don't serve MILK HERE!"

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "NO! NO! NO! This is a BAR! We DON'T...SERVE...MILK...HERE!
Now get out! And if you come back in here again and ask for MILK, I'm gonna TAR AND FEATHER ya!"

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He slowly waddles across the floor,
carefully clambers up onto the bar stool,
gently taps his flipper on the bar and says softly:
"bartender?"
The bartender takes one look at the penguin and shouts "WHAT?"
The penguin says quietly, "Got any ... tar?"
The bartender says warily " UH, no."
The penguin says "Got any ... feathers?"
The confused bartender says " UH, no."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


The penguin says "Got any MILK?"