a funny...

Message

Tue Mar 25, 2008 10:05 am

rx FILLED FIREWOOD'

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' rx inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no rx. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's
house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

i m m y · #52 Unread post by **i m m y** » Sun May 11, 2008 3:51 pm

this topic is full of 100% grade A win.

#53 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Wed May 14, 2008 1:50 pm

Some Truth In It......Maybeeeeee ?

Turpentine or Holy Water ??

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's "O Ring" and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Don't even think about it!!!

Wed May 14, 2008 6:13 pm

$7.00 Sex:

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

#55 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Mon May 19, 2008 5:17 pm

THE ROBOTIC LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
Robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
Returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
Completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
Really were after school.' ' We went to Bobby' s house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
His chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
Lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
My parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
Knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
Ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
Son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
Of her chair.

#56 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu May 22, 2008 7:15 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think
my python weally gives a thit."

#57 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:49 am

Subject: The Maid

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!!!

#58 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:42 pm

Headache

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to
another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the
problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need --a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34
sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did
you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see... 9-1/2." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...... size
36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine........and give
you one hell of a headache.

#59 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:59 pm

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH

1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE Canadian SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Ontario and you are probably outraged
at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask
'What kind of business would dare post such a sign ?.'

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!
God Bless Canada
and
keep our Troops Safe and Well

Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:23 am

Oh man Doc, the underwear joke was rough! Made me squirm a little.