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Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:38 pm
A young man graduated from University of Kentucky with a degree in
Journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who
Hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Kentucky, he went
To the Indiana country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself
To the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young Man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
Neighbor's' sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed It and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything
Else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
Daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and Found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. Has anything ever
Happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few
Seconds looked up timidly at the young man and
Said, "I got lost once...."
Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:52 pm
Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:53 pm
mental note to self, never get lost in indiana
Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:03 pm
Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 4:35 pm
I hear Banjo music playin!
gotta purdy mouth thar boy.....
Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 10:34 am
The Gay Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:18 pm
both of 'em
Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:13 pm
Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:22 pm
Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 6:14 am
Jebus DR Bar, now THAT one was good!
Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:27 pm
The Purina Diet
I was a hunter and had a Golden Retriever & was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:48 pm
A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you
like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as
firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice
and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are
they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got
my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get
screwed out of my peaches."
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:57 pm
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:00 pm
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard. As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.
When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?" The bad-"O Ring" biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!" The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?" The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-"O Ring", how do you like it NOW?" With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:03 pm
And the original version....
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:11 pm
Insert any doofus politician's name here...
________________ decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on and it immediately roars into motion.
As it moves along faster and faster, _________ begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gas tank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway.
Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcycle and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes. He is now at the mercy of the motorcycle's roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over and over.
He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the motorcycle.
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:27 pm
You might be a biker if ...
Your best friends are named after animals.
Your best shoes have steel toes.
Every left shoe you own has a black spot on it from the shift lever.
You owned three different bikes before you ever owned a car.
You think Easy Rider has held up pretty well after all these years.
When you refer to Captain America, you mean the bike and not the comic book hero.
You know that Marlon Brando rode a Triumph in The Wild One and not a Harley-Davidson.
You also know that it was Lee Marvin who rode the Harley in The Wild One.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck.
You carry around a crushed beer can in case you have to park your bike on hot asphalt.
You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
Your significant other (SO) has to climb over your bike to do the laundry in the basement.
You don't know how to do laundry, but you have four different kinds of cleaners for your bike.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
You wave at bikers even when you're in your car.
Your other vehicle is a truck equipped with a motorcycle ramp.
Your three piece suit consists of leather chaps, a leather vest, and a leather jacket.
Your other suit is a rain suit.
You wake up next to your SO and your first thought is if your bike will start.
You know where Sturgis is.
You take your kids for a ride on your bike before they can walk.
You can't remember your kids' names or birthdays, but you can remember that Harley-Davidson made the Knucklehead, Panhead, Shovelhead, Evolution, and Twin Cam 88.
You are currently wearing two or more articles of clothing that have a Harley-Davidson label in them.
Folks at the Harley store know you by name.
You have your own coffee cup at the Harley store.
Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:39 pm
Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:42 pm
Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:51 am
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two bikers filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one biker. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
A young boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
... They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.