a funny...

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dr_bar
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#61 Unread post by dr_bar » Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:14 pm

Stole this off of another site I visit...


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#62 Unread post by blues2cruise » Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:50 pm

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ....and"..........

.......pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young....
........so we invented them........

"Now, you arrogant little twit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding......

I love senior citizens

:mrgreen:
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#63 Unread post by dr_bar » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:14 pm

Dave was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone,
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

Dave's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To Dave's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

Dave was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#64 Unread post by fireguzzi » Thu Oct 09, 2008 11:03 am

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'
Cheney added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, Such big-shots back there. Sh*t I could throw all of y'all @sses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy
[img]http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f101/fireguzzi/papabarsig.jpg[/img]

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#65 Unread post by blues2cruise » Thu Oct 09, 2008 7:17 pm

:laughing:
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#66 Unread post by dr_bar » Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:16 am

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#67 Unread post by dr_bar » Wed Oct 15, 2008 10:55 am

Twenty Five Cents

The jock asks his date, "So, how did you like your first football game?"

"Oh, I really liked it." she replied, "Especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, the jock asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, in the beginning they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#68 Unread post by blues2cruise » Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:02 am

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on

the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror said 'SHREK you are the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up to say what the mirror said: 'BRAD I know for sure that you are the sexiest man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said... 'Who the hell is blues2cruise???

:laughing: :laughing:
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#69 Unread post by Wrider » Thu Oct 16, 2008 4:49 am

Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles... :?
I'm not sure where the joke in that is! :mrgreen:
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#70 Unread post by dr_bar » Thu Oct 16, 2008 5:14 am

Wrider wrote:Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles... :?
I'm not sure where the joke in that is! :mrgreen:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#71 Unread post by blues2cruise » Thu Oct 16, 2008 4:38 pm

Wrider wrote:Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles... :?
I'm not sure where the joke in that is! :mrgreen:
Wrider
I lost half my marbles with the first concussion...then a few more with the second concussion.....after the third one, I was left with only a few marbles with which to work..... :laughing:
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#72 Unread post by Mr. Invisible » Fri Oct 17, 2008 1:28 am

dr_bar wrote: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....

Gee, It must have been Grumpy. :laughing:

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#73 Unread post by dr_bar » Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:58 pm

PREGNANCY Q & A & more !!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#74 Unread post by blues2cruise » Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:39 pm

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
:laughing:

You wish. :twisted: :P
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#75 Unread post by Wrider » Tue Oct 28, 2008 10:22 pm

Things Not To Say To Cops

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V. show Cops?



So Ummmm is it a bad thing I've said variations of 2 and 4??? :laughing:
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#76 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:05 pm

This could become a terrible addiction...


Time killer...
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#77 Unread post by poet » Sun Nov 02, 2008 7:57 pm

Wrider wrote:Things Not To Say To Cops

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V. show Cops?
You bastrd! I almost spit pepsi on my keyboard.
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"He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither." paraphrased different ways - Benjamin Franklin ... also Associated to Thomas Jefferson

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#78 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Nov 02, 2008 11:12 pm

Bad day for a Hallmark writer...

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you ,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together ,

I can't help but wonder...

What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold ,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

---------------------------------

I must admit , you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by , I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

#################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

****************************************

Happy Birthday , Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together ,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up ,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

==========================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side ,

it's really good pay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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Another "stolen" piece...

#79 Unread post by dr_bar » Wed Nov 05, 2008 12:43 pm

This is the best explanation I've heard. Not sure what it says about me to have to have a Forest Gump explanation to understand this mess…

Image

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: 'Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest'.

Quote of the day from a fund manager:
'This is worse than a divorce... I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..'

The bailout, a different perspective
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a mean house and selling booze?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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Humor Deejay-style

#80 Unread post by Deejay » Fri Mar 06, 2009 11:24 pm

A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "Nah, we don't have any milk."

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "NO! This is a BAR! We don't serve MILK HERE!"

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He waddles across the floor,
clambers up onto the bar stool,
pounds his flipper on the bar and says:
"Bartender! Got any ... MILK?"
The bartender says "NO! NO! NO! This is a BAR! We DON'T...SERVE...MILK...HERE!
Now get out! And if you come back in here again and ask for MILK, I'm gonna TAR AND FEATHER ya!"

Next day, the penguin walks back into the bar.
He slowly waddles across the floor,
carefully clambers up onto the bar stool,
gently taps his flipper on the bar and says softly:
"bartender?"
The bartender takes one look at the penguin and shouts "WHAT?"
The penguin says quietly, "Got any ... tar?"
The bartender says warily " UH, no."
The penguin says "Got any ... feathers?"
The confused bartender says " UH, no."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


The penguin says "Got any MILK?"
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