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#41 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 12:07 am

(Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks )

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,you may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada

If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada .

If you find 2 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada

#42 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 4:12 pm

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak
over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would
make us even."

#43 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 4:14 pm

Two Newfies are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see
the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, go in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about,
an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you
fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunnert miles an hour and..........

And the old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained
to an old transmission!

#44 Unread post by **fireguzzi** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:41 pm

#45 Unread post by **blues2cruise** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:26 pm

There are rumors that Harley-Davidson is planning to build a tourer to compete head to head with the Gold Wing.

Rumor has it that like the Gold Wing, the new H-D tourer will have a pancake six.

The proposed designation for the new model will be FLPJK.

#46 Unread post by **fireguzzi** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:48 pm

blues2cruise wrote:There are rumors that Harley-Davidson is planning to build a tourer to compete head to head with the Gold Wing.

Rumor has it that like the Gold Wing, the new H-D tourer will have a pancake six.

The proposed designation for the new model will be FLPJK.

Good one

#47 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:50 pm

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The Newfie said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

#48 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:57 pm

#49 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:01 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8cDRwhg ... ets/sf.swf

SuperRookie · #50 Unread post by **SuperRookie** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:21 pm

Entering Heaven

A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done a good deed?” asks St. Peter.

“Sure, one time I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a woman,” the man says. “I walked up to the leader and punched him in the face, kicked over his bike, and told him, ‘You leave her alone or you’ll answer to me.’”

"That was very brave of you,” says St. Peter. “When did this happen?”

“About two seconds ago.”

Two guys in an elevator

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch pencil, testicles weigh 3lbs each, Turner Brown." The small guy just faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me what did you say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch pencil, my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God!! I thought you said "Turn around."

Divine Intervention

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...

... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

#51 Unread post by **blues2cruise** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 4:05 pm

rx FILLED FIREWOOD'

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' rx inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no rx. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's
house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

i m m y · #52 Unread post by **i m m y** » Sun May 11, 2008 9:51 pm

this topic is full of 100% grade A win.

#53 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Wed May 14, 2008 7:50 pm

Some Truth In It......Maybeeeeee ?

Turpentine or Holy Water ??

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's "O Ring" and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Don't even think about it!!!

#54 Unread post by **blues2cruise** » Thu May 15, 2008 12:13 am

$7.00 Sex:

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

#55 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Mon May 19, 2008 11:17 pm

THE ROBOTIC LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
Robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
Returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
Completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
Really were after school.' ' We went to Bobby' s house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
His chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
Lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
My parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
Knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
Ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
Son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
Of her chair.

#56 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Fri May 23, 2008 1:15 am

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think
my python weally gives a thit."

#57 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:49 pm

Subject: The Maid

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!!!

#58 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:42 pm

Headache

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to
another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the
problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need --a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34
sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did
you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see... 9-1/2." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...... size
36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine........and give
you one hell of a headache.

#59 Unread post by **dr_bar** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:59 pm

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH

1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE Canadian SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Ontario and you are probably outraged
at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask
'What kind of business would dare post such a sign ?.'

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!
God Bless Canada
and
keep our Troops Safe and Well

#60 Unread post by **fireguzzi** » Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:23 am

Oh man Doc, the underwear joke was rough! Made me squirm a little.

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a funny...

New Model coming out

Re: New Model coming out