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#21 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:55 am

Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."

St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.

St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."

Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa? That's my wife!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#22 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:58 am

This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#23 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:01 am

A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.

At the end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"

His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#24 Unread post by dr_bar » Tue Jan 16, 2007 10:16 pm

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great!
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#25 Unread post by dr_bar » Thu Jan 18, 2007 11:13 pm

Borrowed, (or I should say Stolen,) from another forum...


WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces; in other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk dodo than to drink water and be full of dodo.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it
as a public service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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Subject: Idiots

#26 Unread post by blues2cruise » Fri Jan 19, 2007 2:15 am

Number One Idiot of 2006



I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring

her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation

happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.



Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from

one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter

coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon

that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.



Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and

wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to

worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before

he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the

street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note

to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't t

he brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because

it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a

Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .



Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket

for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department

a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained

another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.



Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
-----



Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of

the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch

that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,

"Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because

she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.



This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd

just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder

block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window

was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign.



(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)



IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local

township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS =20
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person

behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for

the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________



IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department

and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle

and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us And they REPRODUCE

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#27 Unread post by dr_bar » Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:06 am

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and
gone through the pet syndrome including
toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was "something wrong" with
one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my
face and followed him into his bedroom. One
of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said
this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,
you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know (I really do think she was being
snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it
a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "Thi s lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....play. Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know w
hat I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...

its...teeny, little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet
and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back
into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie.....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards
lay eggs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#28 Unread post by Shorts » Sat Jan 27, 2007 2:21 am

:laughing: Oh my gosh, I'm crying lol That was funny.

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#29 Unread post by dr_bar » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:19 am

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#30 Unread post by Apollofrost » Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:09 am

hehe... i must remember that one


now if only he had been smart enough to rig the scale to make her seem lighter....
I'm starting a petition to cull narrowminded dull people - be afraid Peter, be very afraid....
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#31 Unread post by dr_bar » Sun Mar 04, 2007 11:52 pm

The Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into
his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. ! "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?"

"We'll," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.


My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#32 Unread post by Apollofrost » Mon Mar 05, 2007 1:29 pm

ouch, better than the guy who got a 12" pianist.
I'm starting a petition to cull narrowminded dull people - be afraid Peter, be very afraid....
-Anonymous

[url=http://myrandompodcast.blogspot.com]Listen to my podcast[/url]

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#33 Unread post by dr_bar » Thu Apr 05, 2007 12:01 pm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#34 Unread post by dr_bar » Tue May 08, 2007 12:28 pm

Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it,

but only you can feel the true warmth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#35 Unread post by dr_bar » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:43 pm

I was just watching the news a little while ago and saw the story about the fires in Greece. Apparently all the antiqities are being threatened and then they showed the water bombers trying to put the fires out. I damn near fell out of my chair.


































Everyone knows you can't put out a Greece fire with water...




bada boom! :LMAO:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#36 Unread post by BuzZz » Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:31 pm

Ha!... now that was funny. :laughing:
No Witnesses.... :shifty:

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#37 Unread post by Wrider » Tue Sep 04, 2007 12:43 am

Seeing as Dad's a firefighter... :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: Good one, I'll have to pass that one on!
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#38 Unread post by dr_bar » Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:23 pm

I have to admit that I stole that from another site...

:oops: :roll: :laughing:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#39 Unread post by dr_bar » Mon Dec 17, 2007 2:32 pm

Another I stole from another site... :roll: :mrgreen:


George Bush goes to school...

George Bush goes to a Primary School to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley " replies the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don 't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don ' t have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the F***K happened to Stanley ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#40 Unread post by Apollofrost » Tue Dec 18, 2007 3:22 am

nice!
I'm starting a petition to cull narrowminded dull people - be afraid Peter, be very afraid....
-Anonymous

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